The Cloistered Vandal

All for One

Posted on June 10th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Mickey Mouse, Chris Odonnell, Oliver Platt, Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen, Gabriel Byrne, Gerard Depardieu, John Malkovich, Jeremy Irons

Book title: The Three Musketeers, The Man in the Iron Mask

Author: Alexander Dumas

Film director: Stephen Herek, Randall Wallace

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Lelu Coffee Lounge, Siesta Key, FL

Bookdrop date: 6/17/2015

Reference: Original, Non-horrible Musketeers | Original, Non-horrible Iron Mask

Note: Today has been marked by a singular preoccupation with the question of which would be more fun:

dispatching errant knaves at the tip of a sword for king and country, or
singing and dancing with an animated rodent who will take your money and never love you back.

The question answers itself. Stupid mouse.

Displeasure

Posted on June 4th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Demi Moore, Michael Douglas

Book title: Disclosure

Author: Michael Chrichton

Film director: Barry Levinson

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Arusha's Coffee, Belton, TX

Bookdrop date: 6/28/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: Some of us here at the Crosspatch Collective have read this book, and others have seen the movie. None of us has any idea what might be going on in the movie tie-in cover of Disclosure. Demi Moore has her mouth open and she is leaning toward nothing in particular. Michael Douglas seems to disapprove of her nose. We believe the addition of a hamster actually reconciles all the visual nonsense into a bit of perfectly reasonable surrealism.

The World According to Mork

Posted on June 1st, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Robin Williams

Book title: The World According to Garp

Author: John Irving

Film director: George Roy Hill

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Trianon Coffee, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 6/7/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: This movie tie-in cover is one of more tasteful ones we've seen. That does not mean we find it to be in good taste. It simply means it falls on the promising end of the crassness scale.

Big Trouble

Posted on May 7th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Tim Allen

Book title: Big Trouble

Author: Dave Barry

Film director: Barry Sonnenfeld

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Flight Path Coffee House, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 5/12/15

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: We are usually offended by a burst on the cover of a book declaring "Now a Major Motion Picture from Maudlin Studios!" The burst's very existence, of course, veers toward abomination, but we find it especially galling due to the fact that a studio's PR department feels the need to put its name on a book it neither wrote nor produced, refer to the film as a "motion picture" as if that is how people refer to movies, call it "major" when no film is ever referred to as "minor," and specify redundantly that it is "now" when the cover clearly would not exist otherwise. This particular cover (unintentionally?) doubles down on the nonsense by referring to the time as "Soon to be." We cannot decide if Touchstone/Penguin deserve credit for breaking from the standard format or censure for creating built-in obsolescence, but we feel the issue is worth discussion in either case.

Also, we very much enjoy the idea of a toad in a bowling alley.

Queen of the Ned

Posted on April 20th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Aaliyah

Book title: Queen of the Damned

Author: Anne Rice

Film director: Michael Rymer

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Star Coffee, Round Rock, TX

Bookdrop date: 4/23/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: This would explain a great deal about the "sinister" neighbor. The rumor mill speculates that Mr. Flanders refers to his queen as Profane Elaine, and that she likes it.

Flower-starter

Posted on April 6th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Drew Barrymore

Book title: Firestarter

Author: Stephen King

Film director: Mark L. Lester

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: The Red Poppy, Georgetown, TX

Bookdrop date: 4/12/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: We here at The Crosspatch Collective think that the way movies have glamorized fire damages society, so we suggest using current technology to replace flames with walkie-talkies and flowers.

Wild Blue Yonder

Posted on March 22nd, 2015

Filed under: Reese Witherspoon, Bibamus

Book title: Wild

Author: Cheryl Strayed

Film director: Jean-Marc Vallée

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Monkey Nest, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 3/25/15

Reference: Original Cover | Non-Horrible Cover

Note: Reese Witherspoon is the most introspective skydiver we have ever seen. Also, we find it interesting and baffling that the actual movie poster features her less prominently than the moviebook cover.

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