The Cloistered Vandal

An unfair game

Posted on November 6th, 2017

Filed under: Bibamus, Brad Pitt

Book title: Moneyball

Author: Michael Lewis

Film director: Bennett Miller

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: Some things you simply must see in person in order to appreciate. Pictures, even photographs or high resolution videos, do not do them justice. One such sight is a unicorn turtle, which is supremely interesting because, as has been noted, it doesn’t exist. Another such sight is one’s own name printed large on a sign shaped like a burst. Which of the two would be more interesting is a matter of taste.

What really happened?

Posted on August 28th, 2017

Filed under: Bibamus, Brad Pitt, Dustin Hoffman, Robert Deniro, Jason Patric

Book title: Sleepers

Author: Lorenzo Carcatera

Film director: Barry Levinson

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: Controversy and accusations will always follow the publication of an autobiography. But sometimes a memoirist must alter the facts in order to preserve the truth and communicate the trauma he and his friends experience at the hands of exploding green prison guards. To protect both the innocent and the guilty (for we are all both of those), an author at times must call a “Steve" a “Roger," or a “creeper" a “sleeper," or change the setting to indicate that the story took place in a realm called Hyrulecraft in 1991. As Mohammed Gander said, “Truth and the prevention of a hostile mob explosion are inseparable and presuppose one another, but every once in a while you just have to make stuff up."

So preciousssss...

Posted on August 1st, 2017

Filed under: Bibamus, Chris Odonnell, Minnie Driver

Book title: Circle of Friends

Author: Maeve Binchy

Film director: Pat O'Connor

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: Theirs was a love affair for the ages. They were Romeo and Juliet, Elizabeth and Darcy, Heathcliff and Catherine, both so different but bound by their common love of the one ring. They struggled with competing passions of devotion and cannibalistic murder, but both had their roles to play. One would learn the true meaning of loyalty and service, and one would learn the ultimate price of sacrifice in a pool of mystical molten rock.

Don't fix it

Posted on April 24th, 2017

Filed under: Bibamus, Arnold Schwarzenegger

Book title: The Running Man

Author: Stephen King (Richard Bachman)

Film director: Paul Michael Glaser

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: A few genuine quotes:

I eat Renaissance composers for breakfast. And right now, I’m very hungry.
Don’t talk to me about Josquin—he’s dead tired.
Monteverdi was a funny man. I liked him. That’s why I killed him last.
He thought he could counter my point. He was wrong.
Now that is a well-tempered clavicle.
Check out these canons, baby.
More like Toccata and Fugue in dead minor.

Oh, good grief

Posted on February 20th, 2017

Filed under: Bibamus, Zac Efron

Book title: The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud

Author: Ben Sherwood

Film director: Burr Steers

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note:

Well! Here comes Ol' Zac Efron!

Good Ol' Zac Efron....Yes sir!

Good Ol' Zac Efron...

How I hate him.

(For the record, we at The Crosspatch Collective actually have fond feelings for Mr. Efron. We are all too old to have discovered him via his Disney Channel exploits, but we very much enjoyed our first experience of him in the little film Me and Orson Welles. We also apparently saw him in Firefly without realizing it was him.)

Pound Foolish

Posted on January 23rd, 2017

Filed under: Bibamus, Suzuka Ohgo

Book title: Memoirs of a Geisha

Author: Arthur Golden

Film director: Rob Marshall

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: Suppose that you and I were sitting in a room overlooking a garden, chatting and sipping at our cups of green tea while we talked about something that had happened a long while ago, and I said to you, “That afternoon when I met so-and-so… was the very best afternoon of my life, and also the very worst afternoon." You might set down your tea and insist that such a thing is not possible without plaigarizing Dickens. But that afternoon, my brother gave me a toy boat he made from a newspaper. Its journey down the gutter swollen with rain was the most exciting thing I had yet seen in my short life. But then the clown appeared in the storm drain and offered me a balloon.

Trust me, your mother was right when she told you never accept a balloon from a storm-drain clown.

Everybody needs a little NUJV

Posted on October 24th, 2016

Filed under: Bibamus, Emma Stone, Octavia Spencer, Viola Davis, Bryce Dallas Howard

Book title: The Help

Author: Kathryn Stockett

Film director: Tate Taylor

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Morning Sunshine Breakfast Treats | Cedar Park, TX

Bookdrop date: 4/11/2017

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: "Listen ‘a me, Ringo. Ever morning, until you dead in the ground, you gone have to make this decision. You gone have to ask yourself, 'Am I gone believe what them other bugs say about me today?' You is kind. You is smart. You is important. Now you go bang that drum."

Is that what I think it is?

Posted on October 13th, 2016

Filed under: Bibamus, Zoe Saldana

Book title: Rosemary’s Baby

Author: Ira Levin

Film director: Agnieszka Holland

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Lamppost Coffee, Round Rock, TX

Bookdrop date: 11/11/16

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: "But I will strengthen the arms of the Baby, and the arms of the Assassin shall fall down; and thou shalt know that I am the Mother, when I shall put my sword into the hand of the Baby, and he shall stretch it out upon the Assassin. And I will further misquote the holy book for dramatic effect and general badassitude as I rain down upon thee a great vengeance and rhetorical flourish, and thou shalt know that I am the Mother whose baby thou wilt not threaten, and whose feet thou wilt not rub."

Whence come those wonderful toys?

Posted on September 26th, 2016

Filed under: Bibamus, Jack Nicholson

Book title: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Author: Ken Kesey

Film director: Milos Forman

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Mozart’s Coffee Roasters, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 10/29/16

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: He’s a boisterous, brawling, fun-loving rebel who swaggers into the ward of Arkham Asylum and takes over...

He’s a lusty, profane, life-loving fighter who rallies the other patients by challenging the arbitrary definition of sanity put forth by the establishment...

He’s a happy, loopy, harbinger of death locked in an epic battle of wills with a costumed bat. Who’s to say who’s a psychotic maniac and who’s not?

How you like ‘em?

Posted on July 7th, 2016

Filed under: Bibamus, Matt Damon

Book title: The Bourne Supremacy

Author: Robert Ludlum

Film director: Paul Greengrass

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Kick Butt Coffee, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 9/1/2016

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: “Hey! Do you like apples?"

“What?"

“Do you like apples?"

“I guess."

“Well, I just jumped from the top of a building across an alley through a fifth story window, beat a guy senseless with a rolled-up magazine and a hand towel, saved a girl’s life, and got her number. HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?!!!"

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