The Cloistered Vandal

...with Coach Miyazaki

Posted on March 16th, 2016

Filed under: Bibamus, Quinton Aaron, Sandra Bullock

Book title: The Blind Side

Author: Michael Lewis

Film director: John Lee Hancock

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Caffee Yolly, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 8/26/2016

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: She was new to the seaside town. She moved there with her sister because their quarterback father lived in a local hospital convalescing after a gruesome leg injury. She did not know it at the time, but her new friend from the nearby enchanted forest had evolved specifically to protect people like her father. Together, they would have adventures neither of them had ever imagined, and of course learn a powerful lesson in the process.

Uh oh.

Posted on March 3rd, 2016

Filed under: Lotr, Bibamus, Viggo Mortensen, Minion

Book title: The Return of the King

Author: J.R.R. Tolkein

Film director: Peter Jackson

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Sips Coffee and More

Bookdrop date: 4/12/2016

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: "They took everything from me. My castle, my reputation, my elf girlfriend. I've had to wallow in mud just to help a half-pint destroy a magic ring. But the one thing they will never take from me is my crown! My beautiful— oh, for @#$%&! sake."

Itch Effect

Posted on November 16th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Autocorrect

Book title: Pitch Perfect

Author: Mickey Rapkin

Film director: Jason Moore

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus, Autocorrect

Note: As Bibamus noted in his most recent Facebook post, this is not the kind of thing we tend to post on the main blog. It is intriguing, however, so we are including it here for posterity. Please read and like the Facebook post, as Bibamus is beginning to despair that his audience engagement rarely goes above 20.

Clash

Posted on October 14th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Kristen Scott Thomas

Book title: Sarah's Key

Author: Tatiana De Rosnay

Film director: Gilles Paquet-Brenner

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: Sarah's visit to the Graeae witches had indeed been profitable. She needed a weapon to slay the pensive monster whose wistfulness threatened her seaside village and everyone in it. The witches had warned her that obtaining the weapon would prove more dangerous than the impossible fight against the sea monster's far-off gaze and impeccable fall fashion. Only the face of the Medusa could bring the reign of terror to an end. "Titan vs. Titan," they had said.

Sarah had survived the journey to the Gorgon's prison on the other side of Styx. (She had actually enjoyed the Dennis de Young soundtrack Charon played on his iPad.) She had survived her encounter with Medusa by looking at her only via a makeup mirror. She had survived the perilous return journey. And now, after having held the sanguine head aloft for nearly three days waiting for the melancholy leviathan to look her way and turn to stone, she finally began to despair.

Rightly said

Posted on October 12th, 2015

Filed under: Lotr, Bibamus, Orlando Bloom

Book title: The Two Towers

Author: J. R. R. Tolkein

Film director: Peter Jackson

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original (see below) | Non-horrible cover

Note: According to Wikipedia, elves are "a group of beings with magical powers and supernatural beauty." Or, possibly, that article refers rather to supermodels on the catwalk. We don't know. We find it difficult to concentrate when contemplating such matters.

Selfies Gone Mild

Posted on August 10th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Kim Basinger, Jeff Bridges

Book title: A Widow for One Year

Author: John Irving

Film director: Tod Williams

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Dichotomy Coffee and Spirits, Waco, TX

Bookdrop date: 11/28/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: When taking a selfie, is one observing oneself or expressing oneself? Or possibly both? Or neither? Perhaps in capturing a moment in time—a moment that perishes in an instant, as all moments do—the self-photographer alters the very core of the person in the photo, who is no longer the photographer, but rather a particle of personality frozen where it is measured, making a duck face.

Say Hi to your mother for me

Posted on August 4th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Mark Wahlberg

Book title: Point of Impact (film title: Shooter)

Author: Stephen Hunter

Film director: Antoine Fuqua

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Joel's Coffee, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 11/17/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: He is Marky Mark, the lone survivor of a failed experiment in early-90's suburban hip-hop. His Funky Bunch fell, whether one-by-one or all at once no one can remember, and now he is bent on shirtless revenge using nothing but his impressive pectorals and the ever-present elastic waistband of his Calvin Klein boxer briefs. He also talks to animals.

Confessions of a Struthioholic

Posted on July 20th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Isla Fisher

Book title: Confessions of a Shopaholic

Author: Sophie Kinsella

Film director: P. J. Hogan

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Trianon Coffee, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 9/26/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: We thought the idea of a young woman in the thrall of oversized flightless birds (specifically of the genus struthio) was a humorous image bordering on, if not deliberately emigrating to, anarchic surrealism. It may be, but type any two words into an Internet search, such as "ostrich addiction," and you will find something.

The Great Gonzo

Posted on July 1st, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Toby Maguire, Carey Mulligan, Joel Edgerton, Leonardo Dicaprio

Book title: The Great Gatsby

Author: F. Scott Fitzgerald

Film director: Baz Luhrmann

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: We can imagine Andy Kaufman reading this version of Gatsby to an audience in the voice of Beaker. We only hope Statler and Waldorf would approve.

No Country for Old PCs

Posted on June 29th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin

Book title: No Country for Old Men

Author: Cormac McCarthy

Film director: Ethan and Joel Coen

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Star Coffee, Round Rock, Tx

Bookdrop date: 7/25/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: "On June 28th, The Cloistered Vandal will release its altered book cover of No Country for Old Men. And you'll see why 2015 won't be like 1984."

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