An unfair game


Book title: Moneyball
Author: Michael Lewis
Film director: Bennett Miller
Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus
Bookdrop location: TBD
Bookdrop date: TBD
Note: Some things you simply must see in person in order to appreciate. Pictures, even photographs or high resolution videos, do not do them justice. One such sight is a unicorn turtle, which is supremely interesting because, as has been noted, it doesn’t exist. Another such sight is one’s own name printed large on a sign shaped like a burst. Which of the two would be more interesting is a matter of taste.

What really happened?


Book title: Sleepers
Author: Lorenzo Carcatera
Film director: Barry Levinson
Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus
Bookdrop location: TBD
Bookdrop date: TBD
Note: Controversy and accusations will always follow the publication of an autobiography. But sometimes a memoirist must alter the facts in order to preserve the truth and communicate the trauma he and his friends experience at the hands of exploding green prison guards. To protect both the innocent and the guilty (for we are all both of those), an author at times must call a “Steve" a “Roger," or a “creeper" a “sleeper," or change the setting to indicate that the story took place in a realm called Hyrulecraft in 1991. As Mohammed Gander said, “Truth and the prevention of a hostile mob explosion are inseparable and presuppose one another, but every once in a while you just have to make stuff up."

So preciousssss...



Book title: Circle of Friends
Author: Maeve Binchy
Film director: Pat O'Connor
Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus
Bookdrop location: TBD
Bookdrop date: TBD
Note: Theirs was a love affair for the ages. They were Romeo and Juliet, Elizabeth and Darcy, Heathcliff and Catherine, both so different but bound by their common love of the one ring. They struggled with competing passions of devotion and cannibalistic murder, but both had their roles to play. One would learn the true meaning of loyalty and service, and one would learn the ultimate price of sacrifice in a pool of mystical molten rock.

The crossing guard's nightmare



Book title: The Fellowship of the Ring
Author: J.R.R. Tolkien
Film director: Peter Jackson
Crosspatch Artist: Bracatus
Bookdrop location: TBD
Bookdrop date: TBD
Note: There would seem to be an infinite supply of movie tie-in covers associated with The Lord of the Rings trilogy—particularly with The Fellowship of the Ring—and there is only so much one can say about them. The scene depicted on this particular cover shows Frodo confronting Shelob, which Tolkien called “an evil thing in spider-form." When we showed this cover to the young honorary Crosspatch Earthworm, he scrunched up his face and said, “That doesn’t even happen in that book." Indeed. Shelob appears in the book The Two Towers and in the film The Return of the King, which causes one to wonder if anyone at Random House ever bothered to watch the movies or read the books.


16-bit hero


Book title: The Fellowship of the Ring
Author: J.R.R. Tolkien
Film director: Peter Jackson
Crosspatch Artist: Earthworm
Bookdrop location: TBD
Bookdrop date: TBD
Note: Hedgehogs are an unobtrusive but very ancient people, who have from the beginning possessed the art of running swiftly and silently for long stretches, collecting rings as they go and taunting opponents who try to stop them. We know very little about them other than what can be gleaned from mystic runes and vintage TV spots.

Additional Note: This is the second contribution from the 11-year-old Earthworm (with a little help from Fidelia), his first being another video-game-themed cover concerning The Godfather. This is also the first time a moviebook cover has appeared twice in this space. The Fellowship of the Ring featuring Elijah Wood was the volume that inspired the idea of The Cloistered Vandal and was our first vandalized cover.

Be Cork Toys


Book title: Rocket Boys
Author: Homer H. Hickam Jr.
Film director: Joe Johnston
Crosspatch Artist: Fidelia
Bookdrop location: TBD
Bookdrop date: TBD
Note: Principal Turner looked at the teacher with derision. She was young and inexperienced. In a few years her irrational idealism would doubtless give way to a more realistic, world-weary wisdom, but he needed her to understand something today. The hillbilly children in his school needed to go to work in the coal mines immediately upon graduation. That was just a fact of life in this town—always had been and always would be. "Miss Riley," he said, "once in a while a lucky student will get out on a football scholarship. The rest of 'em work in the mines."
Miss Riley smiled at him. It was a condescending, rebellious smile. It was a smile that brought to mind the old proverb about saying nice doggie while you look for a rock. "How 'bout I believe in the unlucky ones?" she said. “How ‘bout I believe in the ones that—“
Her sentence was cut short as one of those “graboid" worm monsters struck like lightning from the ground beneath, swallowed her in one gulp, and disappeared back into the ground.
“Well, that settles that," thought Principal Turner as he gazed into the new tunnel and wondered if the mining company would pay for this easy access to the earth under the school.

Additional Note: This book was originally published under the title Rocket Boys. Universal Studios was afraid women and older people would not pay to see a movie of that title, and changed it to October Sky, which is an anagram of Rocket Boys.

How does your garden grow?



Book title: Contact
Author: Carl Sagan
Film director: Robert Zemeckis
Crosspatch Artist: Bracatus
Bookdrop location: TBD
Bookdrop date: TBD
Note: It is possible that Earth does not need to be friends with beings from any other planets. First contact could instead be made by an army of 45-year-old men each armed with nothing but a spread gun and 30 lives.

Who you gonna call?



Book title: The Maze Runner
Author: James Dashner
Film director: Wes Ball
Crosspatch Artist: Fidelia
Bookdrop location: Pinballz Lake Creek
Bookdrop date: 7/12/2017
Note: The maze purports to exist for the purpose of bringing clarity via confusion. It offers a metaphor for meditation on the twists and turns of life, always changing as soon as the poor wanderer deciphers them, offering few rewards along the way save for the periodic cherry or banana bunch. Yet in the end, though the traveler may live longer than others, he will eventually spin and disintegrate in his own mortality, for the grievous ghosts who haunt his way never tire and never die for long. But still he wanders, for wander he must.


I know it was you, Luigi. Let's-a go.


Book title: The Godfather
Author: Mario Puzo
Film director: Francis Ford Coppola
Crosspatch Artist: Earthworm
Bookdrop location: TBD
Bookdrop date: TBD
Note: "King Toadstool, what have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come to me in friendship, this overgrown koopa who kidnapped your daughter would be suffering this very day. And if by some chance an honest man like yourself made other enemies, they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you.
"I will rescue your daughter, and destroy this Bowser and all who stand between us. But some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Until that day, consider this justice a gift on the occasion of my party."

Additional note: This cover was decorated by 11-year-old guest artist Lumbricidae, a burgeoning Crosspatch if there ever was one. We are always happy to see and share the work of anyone who shares our mission (see Autocorrect, Kalu Yala, Mr. The Martian, and Prof. Dr. Sen. Rebecca Darnell as other examples). If you have ideas or altered movie book covers to share, contact us at cloisteredvandal gmail com.

Don't fix it


Book title: The Running Man
Author: Stephen King (Richard Bachman)
Film director: Paul Michael Glaser
Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus
Bookdrop location: TBD
Bookdrop date: TBD
Note: A few genuine quotes:
  • I eat Renaissance composers for breakfast. And right now, I’m very hungry.
  • Don’t talk to me about Josquin—he’s dead tired.
  • Monteverdi was a funny man. I liked him. That’s why I killed him last.
  • He thought he could counter my point. He was wrong.
  • Now that is a well-tempered clavicle.
  • Check out these canons, baby.
  • More like Toccata and Fugue in dead minor.

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