The Cloistered Vandal

Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of tech

Posted on August 1st, 2016

Filed under: Fidelia, Frankie Muniz

Book title: My Dog Skip

Author: Willie Morris

Film director: Jay Russell

Crosspatch Artist: Fidelia

Bookdrop location: Bee Cave Coffee (Domain), Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 9/13/2016

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: Dogs are the best.

Rub-a-dub-dub

Posted on July 28th, 2016

Filed under: Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, Eric Bana, Prof Dr Sen Rebecca Darnell

Book title: The Other Boleyn Girl

Author: Philippa Gregory

Film director: Justin Chadwick

Crosspatch Artist: Prof. Dr. Sen. Rebecca Darnell

Bookdrop location: Red Horn Coffee House & Brewing Co.

Bookdrop date: 4/4/2017

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: I’m He-ner-y the Eighth I am / He-ner-y the Eighth I am, I am / I got married to the— oh. Dang.

Change starts here

Posted on July 24th, 2016

Filed under: Bracatus, Sharon Stone, Elden Henson, Kieran Culkin

Book title: Freak the Mighty

Author: Rodman Philbrick

Film director: Peter Chelsom

Crosspatch Artist: Bracatus

Bookdrop location: Apanas Coffee & Beer, Austin, Texas

Bookdrop date: 9/16/2016

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: Kevin’s mother looked familiar to Max. He couldn’t quite remember where he had seen her—total recall had never been a gift of his—but then she uncrossed and re-crossed her legs while wearing that short skirt, and he remembered. The memory sent the two of them on a harrowing quest that tested every instinct—a quest to restore modesty with the most basic of undergarments. They did not know that females wore entirely different types of unmentionables, or that the discovery would trigger a new quest to places they would never have imagined.

The Naughty Fairies

Posted on July 21st, 2016

Filed under: Bracatus, Scarlett Johansson, Nicholas Art

Book title: The Nanny Diaries

Author: Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus

Film director: Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini

Crosspatch Artist: Bracatus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: He wanted a bedtime story, the little brat. Nothing would do but a tale of Neverland. And of course the story involved the near demise of a beloved fairy. Certainly that meant a round of clapping and cacophonous affirmations as to the existence of such creatures. The exercise naturally saved the poor sprite’s life. And, true to the nanny’s luck, it also brought several others back from the brink who were neither beloved nor grateful. Life is magical, after all, but also surreal and irksome.

Mixtape of the Thin Man

Posted on July 11th, 2016

Filed under: Fidelia, Michael Cera, Kat Dennings

Book title: Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Author: Rachel Cohn & David Levithan

Film director: Peter Sollett

Crosspatch Artist: Fidelia

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: An infinite number of monkeys, each with an infinite track list, would eventually produce a definitive curation of ‘80s New Wave. This is the most compelling reason to keep the monkey population in check.

How you like ‘em?

Posted on July 7th, 2016

Filed under: Bibamus, Matt Damon

Book title: The Bourne Supremacy

Author: Robert Ludlum

Film director: Paul Greengrass

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Kick Butt Coffee, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 9/1/2016

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: “Hey! Do you like apples?"

“What?"

“Do you like apples?"

“I guess."

“Well, I just jumped from the top of a building across an alley through a fifth story window, beat a guy senseless with a rolled-up magazine and a hand towel, saved a girl’s life, and got her number. HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?!!!"

...with Coach Miyazaki

Posted on March 16th, 2016

Filed under: Bibamus, Quinton Aaron, Sandra Bullock

Book title: The Blind Side

Author: Michael Lewis

Film director: John Lee Hancock

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Caffee Yolly, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 8/26/2016

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: She was new to the seaside town. She moved there with her sister because their quarterback father lived in a local hospital convalescing after a gruesome leg injury. She did not know it at the time, but her new friend from the nearby enchanted forest had evolved specifically to protect people like her father. Together, they would have adventures neither of them had ever imagined, and of course learn a powerful lesson in the process.

Uh oh.

Posted on March 3rd, 2016

Filed under: Lotr, Bibamus, Viggo Mortensen, Minion

Book title: The Return of the King

Author: J.R.R. Tolkein

Film director: Peter Jackson

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Sips Coffee and More

Bookdrop date: 4/12/2016

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: "They took everything from me. My castle, my reputation, my elf girlfriend. I've had to wallow in mud just to help a half-pint destroy a magic ring. But the one thing they will never take from me is my crown! My beautiful— oh, for @#$%&! sake."

Frodo's Lament

Posted on February 25th, 2016

Filed under: Lotr, Elijah Wood, Bracatus

Book title: The Fellowship of the Ring

Author: J.R.R. Tolkein

Film director: Peter Jackson

Crosspatch Artist: Bracatus

Bookdrop location: Fat Cats Organic Coffee and Desserts, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 3/21/2016

Reference: Original (mercifully unavailable) | Non-horrible cover

Note: He stared in astonishment, trying not to believe what he was seeing in the mirror. A brilliant, red, north-star pimple had appeared on his face—his 50-year-old face—right as he was about to meet the queen of the elves. His brain numbed at the injustice his skin and hormones were inflicting upon him. Why this? Why now?

Little did he know two more would follow soon, that they would be epic, and that for centuries, generation after generation would tell tales of them in Middle Earth and beyond.

Knights and Rodents

Posted on February 11th, 2016

Filed under: Bracatus, Nicholas Sparks, Diane Lane, Richard Gere

Book title: Nights in Rodanthe

Author: Nicholas Sparks

Film director: George C. Wolfe

Crosspatch Artist: Bracatus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: He insisted that he was a mouse, not a rat. She earnestly believed that, in spite of a minor flesh wound, she possessed two working arms. They were doomed to live out their denial-filled days isolated and alone. But in the Land of Sparks everyone is a lover, and anything is possible.

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