The Cloistered Vandal

A Base Jump to Remember

Posted on February 1st, 2016

Filed under: Mandy Moore, Shane West, Nicholas Sparks, Mr The Martian

Book title: A Walk to Remember

Author: Nicholas Sparks

Film director: Adam Shankman

Crosspatch Artist: Mr. The Martian

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: Landon and Jamie were not destined to be together, but only because there is no such thing as destiny. Circumstances of life forced them together, of course, as circumstances are wont to do, but each of them had choices to make. Would they get together? Would they stay together? Would they take that long leap into the future together? And, perhaps most importantly, would they take that leap from building, antenna, span, or earth?

Itch Effect

Posted on November 16th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Autocorrect

Book title: Pitch Perfect

Author: Mickey Rapkin

Film director: Jason Moore

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus, Autocorrect

Note: As Bibamus noted in his most recent Facebook post, this is not the kind of thing we tend to post on the main blog. It is intriguing, however, so we are including it here for posterity. Please read and like the Facebook post, as Bibamus is beginning to despair that his audience engagement rarely goes above 20.

Clash

Posted on October 14th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Kristen Scott Thomas

Book title: Sarah's Key

Author: Tatiana De Rosnay

Film director: Gilles Paquet-Brenner

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: Sarah's visit to the Graeae witches had indeed been profitable. She needed a weapon to slay the pensive monster whose wistfulness threatened her seaside village and everyone in it. The witches had warned her that obtaining the weapon would prove more dangerous than the impossible fight against the sea monster's far-off gaze and impeccable fall fashion. Only the face of the Medusa could bring the reign of terror to an end. "Titan vs. Titan," they had said.

Sarah had survived the journey to the Gorgon's prison on the other side of Styx. (She had actually enjoyed the Dennis de Young soundtrack Charon played on his iPad.) She had survived her encounter with Medusa by looking at her only via a makeup mirror. She had survived the perilous return journey. And now, after having held the sanguine head aloft for nearly three days waiting for the melancholy leviathan to look her way and turn to stone, she finally began to despair.

Rightly said

Posted on October 12th, 2015

Filed under: Lotr, Bibamus, Orlando Bloom

Book title: The Two Towers

Author: J. R. R. Tolkein

Film director: Peter Jackson

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original (see below) | Non-horrible cover

Note: According to Wikipedia, elves are "a group of beings with magical powers and supernatural beauty." Or, possibly, that article refers rather to supermodels on the catwalk. We don't know. We find it difficult to concentrate when contemplating such matters.

WOW meme aMazement

Posted on September 28th, 2015

Filed under: Lotr, Fidelia, Viggo Mortensen

Book title: The Return of the King

Author: J.R.R. Tolkien

Film director: Peter Jackson

Crosspatch Artist: Fidelia

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original (see below) | Non-horrible cover

Note: It is pronounced DOHG of the RYEngs.

The Stormbook

Posted on August 20th, 2015

Filed under: Fidelia, Rachel Mcadams, Ryan Gosling, Nicholas Sparks

Book title: The Notebook

Author: Nicholas Sparks

Film director: Nick Cassavetes

Crosspatch Artist: Fidelia

Bookdrop location: Epoch Coffee, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 12/1/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: "We go now to our meteorologist on the scene for first-hand coverage of tropical storm Sparks. Victor?"

"Thanks, Peter. This storm is unlike any I have ever seen in my life. It seems to be centered around two transcendentally beautiful people. The sun is setting behind them, silhouetting them in spite of the rain clouds, and yet still somehow illuminating their angelic faces and bodies that rival the sculptures of Michelangelo. I normally am disgusted by the sight of people kissing in public, but the way the man's white shirt clings to his skin, and the woman's (wholly unnecessary) makeup complements her perfect face while remaining impervious to the precipitation, well... honestly, I could look at this all day. Back to you, Peter."

"Thank you, Victor. We will continue to monitor this storm carefully. Victor, if you could just move a few steps to your left, we will be able to better... understand the... conditions... out there."

Tramp Haven

Posted on August 20th, 2015

Filed under: Bracatus, Julianne Hough, Josh Duhamel, Nicholas Sparks

Book title: Safe Haven

Author: Nicholas Sparks

Film director: Lasse Hallström

Crosspatch Artist: Bracatus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: For them, it was nothing but an ordinary day on an ordinary weekend, but for her, there was something revelatory about the notion that wonderful moments like these existed. And that maybe, just maybe, it would be possible for her to experience the spaghetti kiss she had been dreaming about since childhood. When she looked up at him, it was suddenly easy for her to imagine that her fears were pointless. That he would love her no matter what she told him, and that he was the kind of man who loved her already and would always, no matter what, give her the last meatball.

Selfies Gone Mild

Posted on August 10th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Kim Basinger, Jeff Bridges

Book title: A Widow for One Year

Author: John Irving

Film director: Tod Williams

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Dichotomy Coffee and Spirits, Waco, TX

Bookdrop date: 11/28/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: When taking a selfie, is one observing oneself or expressing oneself? Or possibly both? Or neither? Perhaps in capturing a moment in time—a moment that perishes in an instant, as all moments do—the self-photographer alters the very core of the person in the photo, who is no longer the photographer, but rather a particle of personality frozen where it is measured, making a duck face.

Say Hi to your mother for me

Posted on August 4th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Mark Wahlberg

Book title: Point of Impact (film title: Shooter)

Author: Stephen Hunter

Film director: Antoine Fuqua

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Joel's Coffee, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 11/17/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: He is Marky Mark, the lone survivor of a failed experiment in early-90's suburban hip-hop. His Funky Bunch fell, whether one-by-one or all at once no one can remember, and now he is bent on shirtless revenge using nothing but his impressive pectorals and the ever-present elastic waistband of his Calvin Klein boxer briefs. He also talks to animals.

The Thick Red Lines

Posted on August 4th, 2015

Filed under: Bracatus

Book title: The Thin Red Line

Author: James Jones

Film director: Terrence Malick

Crosspatch Artist: Bracatus

Bookdrop location: Joel's Coffee Shop, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 9/24/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: He camouflages himself in bold, bright colors. He hides in plain sight, taunting those who hunt him with an insolent wave and an unadorned expression of bemused indignation. He despises the civilization in which he longs to submerge himself, yearning to disappear into anonymity while hoping against all hope that someone will care enough to work harder at finding him than he will at concealment. He wages his own personal war against society, against the paradox that is life, and against his own mind and soul.