The Cloistered Vandal

The Lucky One

Posted on July 27th, 2015

Filed under: Bracatus, Taylor Schilling, Zac Efron, Nicholas Sparks

Book title: The Lucky One

Author: Nicholas Sparks

Film director: Scott Hicks

Crosspatch Artist: Bracatus

Bookdrop location: Cupprimo, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 11/12/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: We have not read this book. We have not seen this film. We have eaten this cereal, and we approve. Of the marshmallows, at least. And of Alison Krauss.

Confessions of a Struthioholic

Posted on July 20th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Isla Fisher

Book title: Confessions of a Shopaholic

Author: Sophie Kinsella

Film director: P. J. Hogan

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Trianon Coffee, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 9/26/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: We thought the idea of a young woman in the thrall of oversized flightless birds (specifically of the genus struthio) was a humorous image bordering on, if not deliberately emigrating to, anarchic surrealism. It may be, but type any two words into an Internet search, such as "ostrich addiction," and you will find something.

Dangerous Rinds

Posted on July 13th, 2015

Filed under: Fidelia, Michelle Pfeiffer

Book title: My Posse Don't Do Homework

Author: LouAnne Johnson

Film director: John N. Smith

Crosspatch Artist: Fidelia

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: Though it gave us a certain amount of pleasure to cover Russell Crowe's face with an apple, it pained us in equal measure to give Michelle Pfeiffer the same treatment with a watermelon, even though her photo graces the cover of this book instead of the actual person she portrays in the film.

Also, the author originally called this memoir My Posse Don't Do Homework. For once, we agree with the title change.

A Beautiful Rind

Posted on July 6th, 2015

Filed under: Fidelia, Russel Crowe

Book title: A Beautiful Mind

Author: Sylvia Nasar

Film director: Bryan Grazer

Crosspatch Artist: Fidelia

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: This book is a nonfiction biography of Nobel-winning mathematician John Nash. The cover simultaneously illuminates and hides the contents of the book. The book itself likewise gives the same treatment to Nash, a brilliant and complex human being. As René Magritte said of his painting The Son of Man, "Everything we see hides another thing, we always want to see what is hidden by what we see." And we thought it appropriate to cover Russell Crowe's face with an apple.

The Great Gonzo

Posted on July 1st, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Toby Maguire, Carey Mulligan, Joel Edgerton, Leonardo Dicaprio

Book title: The Great Gatsby

Author: F. Scott Fitzgerald

Film director: Baz Luhrmann

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: TBD

Bookdrop date: TBD

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: We can imagine Andy Kaufman reading this version of Gatsby to an audience in the voice of Beaker. We only hope Statler and Waldorf would approve.

No Country for Old PCs

Posted on June 29th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin

Book title: No Country for Old Men

Author: Cormac McCarthy

Film director: Ethan and Joel Coen

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Star Coffee, Round Rock, Tx

Bookdrop date: 7/25/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: "On June 28th, The Cloistered Vandal will release its altered book cover of No Country for Old Men. And you'll see why 2015 won't be like 1984."

Please like our Facebook page. After living through "a certain anniversary of 33," as he puts it, Bibamus could use the encouragement.

Dances with Stars

Posted on June 25th, 2015

Filed under: Bracatus, Kevin Costner

Book title: Dances with Wolves

Author: Michael Blake

Film director: Kevin Costner

Crosspatch Artist: Bracatus

Bookdrop location: Cianfrani Coffee Company, Georgetown, TX

Bookdrop date: 7/6/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: We suppose Kevin Costner earned enough money over the course of his career to avoid reality television purgatory in his later years. We have not watched any "reality" programs since the seventh season of American Idol, but we would break our fast to see Lieutenant Dunbar/Eliot Ness dance a Tango dressed in sequins.

Toy Gump

Posted on June 18th, 2015

Filed under: Bracatus, Tom Hanks

Book title: Forrest Gump

Author: Winston Groom

Film director: Robert Zemeckis

Crosspatch Artist: Bracatus

Bookdrop location: Cherrywood Coffeehouse, Austin, TX

Bookdrop date: 7/9/2015

Reference: Original | Non-horrible cover

Note: There is an old one-act play performed by high schools all over The United States titled The Actor's Nightmare by Christopher Durang. The protagonist in this play is an actor who finds himself in a play he is unfamiliar with, which shifts to another play he is unfamiliar with, and so on until he dies. This, apparently, is a common nightmare among actors. However, an actor might also awake with a jolt on a moonless night, sweating and trembling with the simultaneously lucid and hazy memory of finding himself on the cover of a non-performance-based work of art, menaced by the phantasm of a fictional character who also does not appear in the book. Both seem equally terrifying.

The Facebook

Posted on June 17th, 2015

Bibamus recently voiced the opinion that this blog does not receive enough traffic. According to our analytics, we have received more than 1,000 page views over the last 30 days, but he is convinced that the majority of those visits come from spam bots. He says we should strive to attract more humans than algorithms, so he has set up a Facebook page to share, in his words, "stuff about book cover design and some behind-the-scenes mess for Cloistered Vandal."

Even though we did not embark on this project for acclaim or the recognition of others, we believe social media might serve to help us reach the few people in the world who appreciate our efforts. Please visit the page and "like" it if you like it.

All for One

Posted on June 10th, 2015

Filed under: Bibamus, Mickey Mouse, Chris Odonnell, Oliver Platt, Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen, Gabriel Byrne, Gerard Depardieu, John Malkovich, Jeremy Irons

Book title: The Three Musketeers, The Man in the Iron Mask

Author: Alexander Dumas

Film director: Stephen Herek, Randall Wallace

Crosspatch Artist: Bibamus

Bookdrop location: Lelu Coffee Lounge, Siesta Key, FL

Bookdrop date: 6/17/2015

Reference: Original, Non-horrible Musketeers | Original, Non-horrible Iron Mask

Note: Today has been marked by a singular preoccupation with the question of which would be more fun:

dispatching errant knaves at the tip of a sword for king and country, or
singing and dancing with an animated rodent who will take your money and never love you back.

The question answers itself. Stupid mouse.